This Is Where I Leave You
by The Last Letter
Summary: Spartan could go no further with his Amy girl, though he wished he could.


The sun is bright and the flies are buzzing. Spartan swishes his tail across his back, not feeling the stinging pricks of his coarse hairs. He lowered his head to the heated grass and took a lazily mouthful, although he was not hungry and it was more for something to do.

Something to do until …

He heard the sound of the truck long before it ever came into view. Spartan trotted to the fence, feeling the stiffness growing up his long legs. He pricked his ears forward as the truck doors open and he heard the light, giggling voice of the little one before he heard anything else.

The little girl, the one that Spartan always had to watch his hooves about and the one that his girl called Lyndy, called his name and he nickered back to her. She loved it when he talked to her and Spartan loved to make her happy. She smelled like his girl and there was nothing in the world that Spartan loved more than his girl.

Not the cool night breeze, not the way the river felt about his feet, not the peppermints that he was spoilt with.

There was nothing that Spartan loved more than Amy.

He called out again when he heard Amy's voice.

"Lyndy, we've got groceries."

"Mama," Lyndy said, "he wants to say hi!"

"Okay, let's go."

They met at the fence, Lyndy Spartan's cheek with her quick little palm taps. Amy's longer fingers went under his chin, to the spot where the bugs always bit but he could not scratch himself. He pushed his head against her body and she laughed, her fingers smoothing his forelock.

"I think Spartan needs a brush. What do you think, Lyndy?"

"He's dirty," Lyndy agreed, pointing. "Spartan, you're dirty."

He knew but it had felt so good to roll about, even if getting back up had been painful. He inhaled deeply, taking in the smell of Amy. He couldn't see that well anymore, only the shapes of her as she was close and the bright sun shining off of her hair and the little one's hair. As far as Spartan was concerned, it was the same hair.

"I'll come back for you," Amy said. "Just give me a few minutes, boy. Wait for me."

Spartan didn't always know what her words meant. The sound of her voice fell around him like sweet summer rain but the words didn't matter. He could feel what she wanted. He used to be able to read it, in the way that her arms spread, in the scuffle of her feet, in the way that she was turn into him or away from him. Now, he just had to feel it in the way that her voices rose and fell.

She pressed her cheek to his face and Spartan would always know what that meant, when her hands pressed to his cheeks and he could feel her breath against his forehead. His ears flickered and he could hear her heartbeat and the heartbeat of the little one.

"Come on, Lyndy. We'll go put the groceries away and then we'll come back for Spartan, okay?"

"Okay!"

Spartan listened to their footsteps walking away and he hung his head over the fence, resting his body against the fence. He felt heavier now, than when he first came here. Back when he and his girl few together and there had been a ribbon pinned to his bridle, back when she taught him dance, back when she had healed him.

His body grew old. He had stood by and watched his barn-mates grow old. Pegasus and Paint, who had been surrounded and loved and kissed goodbye. They had felt wiser than Spartan ever had, Spartan still felt the hot-headed fire of the horse who had thrown himself against stall doors and screamed, of the horse who scared his girl. Spartan was a horse and he did not think much of aging but even he knew what it meant when old man Jack patted him on the nose and said Spartan's whiskers were becoming whiter than his own.

He felt a hand against his halter and nearly startled, snorting the air in quickly through his lungs. He had been taken before, from his home and his Amy, and he would never forget it. Her scent filled his nose and he felt his heart begin to calm.

"Sorry, boy, didn't realize you were sleeping."

He would forgive her.

He lowered his head and she led him along. Spartan let her guide him, knowing that she would keep him safe. She knew how he stumbled now, she knew that his eyes did not see as they should. She had patted ear to tail and so had sure-hand Ty and soft-voice Scott and sweet-smell Cassandra. He had felt her sadness as they stroked his next and spoke to his Amy and Spartan had pulled toward her. He knew why she was sad; he knew it was because she knew what he knew about his body.

He felt the cooler air of the dark barn greet them.

"I got the brushes, Mama."

Little Lyndy's voice bounced about and Spartan moved more carefully. He could not see her anymore and he knew that her toes were more delicate than his.

He was clipped to the wall by his halter and he happily stood as little Lyndy and his Amy brushed him. He loved the feeling of the brushes along his hair, of the dirt leaving him, and of the way that his girl's fingers moved across his skin, massaging him, finding his sore spots and relieving him, if just for the moment.

"You feel swollen," Amy said, touching his legs. "I'll put some Yucca in your mash tonight. It'll help, I promise."

Spartan trusted her and he knew that it would ease him through the night but he lowered his nose, breathing in the top of her head and lipping at her mane. He felt her fingers slide under his mane, scratching at his neck.

"I know, Spartan, but not yet. I'll take care of you," Amy whispered, "but not yet."

"Not yet what, Mama?"

Spartan felt the weight of little Lyndy on his back and he straightened his back leg so that she didn't tumble. He knew that Amy would be watching out for her but little Lyndy was part of his Amy; she was his responsibility too.

"People and ponies don't get to stay here forever," Amy said. "Which is sad but there is another place, a second place, that is the forever place. It's where my mom is and my grandma is. Everyone has to go eventually and even though we miss them here, we know that we get to see them again. Spartan will have to go soon but I'm going to miss him a lot so I'm asking him not yet."

"He's your horse, just tell him no."

Spartan tossed his head. His Amy girl had never told him anything. Mallen had. Mallen had hit him and hidden him away and never let him be a horse. His Amy girl had always asked him: she had asked him for forgiveness, she had asked him for his trust, and he had asked her for the same.

"It's because he's my horse, that I have to let him go when he needs to. He trusts me to make the right decisions for him since he can't make them himself. That's the thing about animals, Lyndy, you're their whole world and you have to do what's best for them and not what's best for you."

"That's sad, Mama."

"No, it's not," Amy said. "Because knowing him has been one of the greatest gifts of my whole life."

Spartan turned his head, feeling her body close to his.

"We love Spartan, don't we?" his girl asked and he felt the little feet of Lyndy tap at his sides.

"Yes," she said. "Spartan, we love you!"

Spartan whickered and inhaled the scent of hay and home.

He loved them too.

(-.-)

The weather started turning cold and, with it, Spartan felt his legs turn heavy, as if he were eternally working through mud or snow drifts. Every step hurt and even though his girl brought him special warm mashes for breakfast and dinner, standing with him while he ate and promising that it would help him, Spartan knew that it would not help him for long.

He thought that his Amy girl knew it too. She came to see him more in his stall, spreading a blanket over his shivering skin and singing to him. She braided his mane and brushed him until he shined like he was going to a show. Like they were going to jump and rope and race, like they had all done before.

The leaves were starting to change. It was a time of year that usually made Spartan feel alive. The crisp air, the frost on the grass – it all made him feel young again. Or, it usually did.

His Amy came to the barn alone, carrying his warm food. She put hung the bucket in his stall, taking a moment to run her hand along his neck, although he could sense the restlessness from his barn mates. It was their food time too. But he knew that she was only looking at him, although it was hard for him to see anything himself anymore and she helped him guide his head to the bucket, where he used his lips to find the rim and then the warmth of the food within.

"Try and eat it all today, Spartan," she said.

He listened as she walked about the barn. He ate as much as he could but his belly did not seem to hold as much. He didn't feel like he needed it. But he knew that she would be disappointed and so he tried. She came back to visit him and then she sighed as she took the bucket, her hand on his cheek.

"I'll be back to take you outside."

Spartan waited patiently. His days were the same now. His Amy would put him outside in the little round pen, which he knew his way around and where there was nothing to hurt him. He knew so, she always made sure to check. Gone were the days were he could run the fields with Copper and Champ and Phoenix and Buddy, gone were the days where he was under saddle, the trail opening up in front of him with his Amy girl gently guiding him.

His stall door opened and she grasped his halter.

"Come on. It's chilly so just for an hour, maybe two, just while I do some chores."

Spartan's old feet did not want to move. Amy did not pull on him but he knew that she wanted him to go. So, he put one foot in front of the other and she kept pace with him. They walked together to the round pen and she took him into the middle. The soft sand felt good; it always felt good and he lowered his head to sniff the ground.

"It's safe," Amy said. "No slippery spots, nothing in the ground. I want to see you get a little bit of exercise today."

Spartan knew what she wanted but he knew what he could and could not do. There was an instinct that told him to pull away from her, that it would hurt less, because the time was coming when it would hurt the most. But he could not do that to her. It was here, in this very pen, so many years ago, where they been in the wild wind and he had thrown himself in circles while she screamed her pain to the sky.

In the calmness, when she had turned her back on him, he had gone to her, because he had recognized the same scar within himself.

"Spartan," she whimpered and this time she did tug on his halter, trying to lead him a few steps forward.

He could go no further with her.

She had asked for more time and he had given her all that he had. If he could live forever, he would spend it with her, but horses did not have forever.

"Spartan, please, just one more step," she begged and he could smell the salt on her skin. The tears he had known would come.

Spartan nudged his head against her torso.

"I'm not ready for this," Amy cried. "Please, Spartan, I'm not ready to lose you."

He was not ready to lose her either. He sniffed his way up her chest and snorted into her hair. Her hands reached up to touch his cheeks and she drew him down to her, pressing their foreheads together.

"One more day," Amy said. "Can I ask you for that?"

Spartan snorted.

"I know you're in pain and I know … I know it's time. I know it didn't sneak up on me but I want us to have one more night. Follow me if that's okay."

Her hand left his halter and he heard her take a few steps away. She needed him and he took one step, two, until his nose bumped into her back. He leant his head over her shoulder, like he did every time that they joined up. She reached up to him and then she led him back to his stall, leaving him with a peppermint to crunch on.

But she wasn't gone for long.

She came back with Ty, who was talking in a low voice, and a grooming kit. Spartan knew what the clinking of brushes sounded like.

"Hey, Spartan," Ty said, and then he was touching Spartan, his steady hands touching him. Along his legs, especially, but Spartan was used to this too.

"He's in too much pain, Ty, I know that. He got old."

Amy girl was not old. She was older but she was not old. Her limbs were still strong and her heart was still fire.

"Will you call Scott for me?"

Spartan liked vet Scott now, he liked the way that he sounded when he spoke. He had not liked vet Scott after his accident, when everything had hurt, when all he had known of his girl was fear and rain and pain.

"Amy, I can do it," Ty offered.

"No," Amy said and before Spartan knew it, she was leaning against his back. He could feel the salt water from her eyes running down his sides. And he forced himself to stand surer, stand stronger, to support her. "I need you to just be with me and, honestly, I can't look at you and know that you were the one to do it. I know that's not fair and I know it needs to happen but I can't have you do it."

"I'll call Scott."

His Amy girl spent the night with him. He had apples and soft carrots and little peppermints and his evening mash. Little Lyndy came by and kissed him endlessly. Old Jack stood with him while jumping Georgie cried. His Amy girl sung to him and then she slept in the corner of his stall, waking herself up every so often. Every time she would walk to him, she would hold him, she would feel him, and she would tell him that she loved him.

Spartan lipped her hair and inhaled her scent and stayed as close to her as he possibly could.

Spartan couldn't see the sun rise. The night felt as though it lasted forever, as long as his whole life time, even. It was a shock when he heard the crunch of wheels outside, the sound of boots, and the greeting of soft-voice Scott.

"Morning, Amy."

"Hi, Scott."

The salt water tears were back. He had been there for so many of her tears but he knew that he would not be able to help her again.

"I didn't think we'd ever get to this day."

"Me either," Amy agreed. "Some things just seem eternal."

Spartan was given another apple slice and he munched on it as she clipped a lead line to his halter.

"We're going to go for a little walk now," Amy told him. "It'll be okay. Not too far. Just one more walk."

He followed her as soft-voice Scott and steady-hands Ty followed him, his hooves touching the cold grass. The fields smelt of autumn-life. He could hear the distant cries of fleeing birds, of leaves being shaken down to the ground, and that crisp feeling he loved. He tossed his mane and kept pace with Amy, knowing that he couldn't stray too far. She was his eyes now. She was the one who told him he was safe.

They stopped and she turned to face him.

"I love you, Spartan. Go find Mom. She'll take care of you."

He barely remembered the storm-ragged, calm woman who had led him from his barn prison. It was his Amy girl that reminded him of her.

"Thank you for being my best friend."

Even though he ached and even though walking was too much for him, Spartan lowered himself. He bowed down, his nose touching the tip of her boots.

"Lay down with me, boy."

She guided him down, his body laying in the grass, his head in her lap. She crooned to him as Scott vet bent over him but he didn't think of Scott vet or Ty. He thought of his girl, he thought of the way that they had run, the way that they had danced, the way that they had belonged entirely to each other.

"I love you, Spartan."

_I love you too, my Amy girl._

And then he knew no more.

**So, this was partially inspired by a comment that I saw on Heartlandians where she said "And in a way I thought it was maybe "his last bow", especially if it's his legs. Sort of like saying "It's been a pleasure to dance with you all these years, but I can't do it anymore, I'm sorry."" And partially inspired by the episode **_**The Art Of Trust.**_

**I know that I've written something like this a few years ago (called **_**Poem For A Horse) **_**but that was from Amy's POV and I wanted to play around with life from Spartan's perspective.**

**Let me know what you think! And you can always find me on tumbr at we – are – all – of -legend – now (personal) or confessions – heartland (fan blog)!**

**~TLL~**


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